My niece, Lilly Blueberry

Very few knew of you.

Din mamma är filippinsk, ursprungligen som jag. Din pappa är svensk. Du har en halvbror på pappas sida. Du har en underbar syster på vår sida.

You had been in mommy’s belly for about three months when you showed up in my dreams. This was between August to September of 2022. It was a time when I was not speaking to your mom, you know.

The first time or dream was seeing your mom in a denim jumper dress. I was surprised to see her and I could tell she was shy to approach. I could see the little bump that was you. No conversation happened that I can recall from that dream.

When I woke up, I told your tito Mattias about it and asked if he had heard from your mom about being pregnant. No, he hasn’t.

That dream of her pregnant couldn’t simply have come from nowhere. Yes, I dream of plenty weird things, but something like that would should could have substance especially that it felt so real. Well, again, most of my dreams feel very real and I actually have no idea what most of them could mean.

Within the same week, you visited me again in my sleep. This time, I was on the lower level of some beautiful garden, lots of flowers around the paved platform. I saw a little blond girl. I saw you.

I can’t recall now if I saw your mom but I don’t remember what she was wearing then so it must be her presence that I felt. Then I woke up.

Awake, I asked your tito Mattias again if he heard anything about your mom being pregnant. No, said he. I told him I am pretty sure or I won’t be surprised if my sister’s around three months pregnant with a baby girl.

Let me talk about how I came to write about you today.

I was sitting at my office here at home doing multiple things on  multiple tabs on half of the bigger screen, while streaming a video of Theresa Caputo on the other half of the screen.

And from out of nowhere, a memory of a little girl came to mind. I paused what I was doing to allow just that thought to continue. I thought of you and where the tiny proof of your short existence lie.

I felt both sad and very apologetic because I don’t remember ever praying for you even after confirming your existence and the loss of you. I don’t recall giving you a moment, to remember you as another soul that chose to be part of our family. There was perhaps a fleeting thought that you are now with Dad, din morfar, and other loved ones on the other side…

So this time I prayed for you. I also asked for forgiveness for being an auntie to your cousins, but forgetting you. In these moments of remembering you, I was drawn to an image similar to that in my last dream of you, which happened to be right around the time your mommy lost you.

Today as I thought of you, I saw the name Lily. I don’t remember if your mom mentioned giving you a name. It could have been something like Tinker Bell or such. I’d have to ask her.

I would have liked another name. Lily is a beautiful name, but it also reminds me of an annoying acquaintance. Now, I will think fondly of you when I think of Lilly. That’s your Swedish name my dear.

We love you Lilly, my angelic niece. You’re always in our hearts and never forgotten. Vi älskar dig.

😀

Update:

I asked your mom and she said she and your dad called you Blueberry. You were the size of one in the scan photos. Hello Lilly Blueberry! 😀